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Perfect Children

By Jim Odom

It's Kids week at Qondio. (was when I started writing this) This gives me a perfect excuse to brag about my kids. Raising children to be productive members of society and loving, caring individuals, can be a daunting task. When my wife and I had our first child, we thought we had all the answers.

Raising children is similar to training puppies

Do you remember Pavlov's dogs from social studies? It seems that the Russian physiologist carried out an experiment on some dogs he was training. He would feed the dogs and simultaneously ring a bell. As the dogs were eating, they would wag theirs tails and salivate when he approached with the food. After the same procedure was followed time after time, he stopped the feeding and would just ring the bell. He found that the dogs, on hearing the bell, would salivate and begin wagging their tails.

What does this have to do with raising children, you may ask? In the same way that Pavlov's dogs associated a reward (eating) with the ringing bell, children can learn to associate their rewards with a task you give them. For example: early toilet training. When you achieve the desired result, (using the toilet instead of the diaper) you offer them a reward (candy). I know I am going to hear a host of you saying, "no, not candy, it will rot their little teeth". OK, then give them broccoli and see how far you get.

A funny story about my oldest daughter:

She was just getting up from the toilet without any help and called for me to come in the bathroom. She pointed in to the toilet bowel and said, "good girl, candy". It did remind me a bit of a Baby Ruth candy bar. But seriously, she was already associating a good behavior with a treat.

A funny story about my youngest daughter:

We had gone to the supermarket for just a couple of items. On the way in, she passed the checkout and asked if she could have a candy bar. I told her no that we were in a hurry and I just wanted to pick up the two or three things and head home. As we were checking out at the same register we had passed coming in, she asked again. This time she said, "Now can I have some candy, I didn't cry!" Well of course now, I had to get it for her. She recognized that she had been told many times that you don't get rewarded for crying and whining.

Too many times I see parents rewarding children for bad behavior. The kid throws a temper tantrum and the parent gives them what they want to get them quieted. Next time, the child associates bad behavior with a reward.

Punishment

I know some will tell you not to spank children. Honestly, there are other methods that can be used effectively. But in my opinion, you must use spanking from time to time. When rewarding good behavior, or punishing bad behavior; it must be immediate. If your kid is running towards the street, a firm and gruff, "NO!!" along with a quick hit to their backside will not damage their little psyches (at least for long). I know there are a lot of individuals with more credentials than I have who would disagree. I just think that when the punishment is not immediate, the child doesn't remember as well what the punishment was for.

It's really simple

Raising children correctly can be reduced to a few very simple principles:

1. Reward them when they exhibit good behavior
2. Punish them when they exhibit bad behavior
3. Love them regardless of whether they are "good" or "Bad"
4. Spend quality time with them

This last one may be the most important of all. When my girls were very young, I would take turns having "date night" with them. I remember once in particular as I was driving to a movie with my youngest, I was telling her how wonderful she was. I named about 8 things including: beautiful, smart, fun to be around, etc. We drove a few miles and she asked, "Daddy, I can remember 7 of the things you mentioned, but I can't remember the 8th thing." She proceeded to name 7 of the 8 attributes I had just told her.

I am convinced that many teens are rebellious and exhibit very bad behavior just to get your attention. When you were little, you stood on the diving board and yelled, "Mom, watch!!!!". When you got older, you drove a red sports car and yelled, "Hey, everybody, look at me".

A dad giving a daughter a little extra attention can make all the difference in the world!

Contributor's Note

The proof is in the pudding. My girls never "sassed" or "back-talked". Even in their teen years, they were a joy to have around the house. They are both great role models for other parents now.

One question: If kids don't turn out perfect, can we return them, or trade them in for a flat screen TV?

I don't think there is a return line even if you adopt.

Reg Whelan Feb 19, 2010 09:32

Good Intel, Jim. There`s lots of debate going on about spanking, but, like you, I`m in the camp that says that balanced physical punishment at times does no harm.

Yes, we're not talking about child abuse, just a light lick that doesn't even hurt gets their attention and lets them know you disapprove. I didn't have to spank my girls more than a few times in their entire life. It's just that it's there as a deterrent that makes a difference.

There is no such thing as a 'Perfect child' For a child without flaw or imperfection is under way too much parental pressure to be perfect, resulting in an adult with hidden flaws.

They are only perfect by my definition of perfect. When you wish they could still be living with you and can't wait to see them, that's what I refer to as perfect. We will just call it approaching perfection. They were never under parental pressure. They didn't have curfews like some parents impose. They just knew what was expected of them, by the time they were teens, and did it

I wouldn't want a "perfect" child, but a well behaved one is good. Your parenting style is similar to what I used (over 30 years ago). Great photo of your kids.

Mine are in their thirties too. That's not a recent photo. They are just still my babies and that's the way I see them. Well behaved, respectful, self reliant = Perfect

What angels! When your daughter asked you what the 8th good thing you said about her was, I'll bet you had to do some fast thinking. You sound like a wonderful parent.

Luckily, I could remember and told her she left out "athletic". I think I could still name all of them today, 25 years later. They're still angels!

Feeling better and better about my parenting style...For a hippie, I am most unhippie when it comes to my children's behaviour...in fact (my girls are 5 and not yet 4) they are sitting at their little table eating their dinner right now...

That's one of the most fun ages. They grow up too fast. I almost wish I could go back and start again at about that age. My oldest just adopted a 9 yea old grandson for me, and the youngest just old me she is "with child".

Every child is unique and different approaches work with each of them - in my experience.

You are so right. Some children see a stern look from dad as punishment. Some see time allowed on the computer as a reward. (not candy)...but overall, the same approach works with all children: Reward good behavior and punish bad behavior. The approach you use for either the punishment or the reward is what is different for each child.

Different types of punishment work best for different children. The main thing is to make the punishment happen as soon as the bad behavior happens so they are not confused as to what they are being punished (or rewarded) for.

Great article Jim. I would like to say that however we discipline our children, whether it is spanking or giving consequences, we must make it clear to them soon after why they were disciplined. Believe it or not sometimes they don't understand. Your girls are beautiful. I hope you will share some stories about them with my readers and I at www.thecutethingskidssay.blogspot.com

You're right, they are beautiful...good they took after their daddy

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